Myspace

I went on myspace for the first time today in three years. I was such a different person in grade nine and very angry. I'm gonna put some blog posts from way back then on here. Enjoy the 14 year old aylagator!

Waiting - Jan 3 2009
I know that with my luck, you and me won’t happen.Am I forever doomed to never get what I want?
Every boy, every time I’ve pushed them away some how.
Is it because I don’t want a relationship, scared of the commitment?.
Or scared of what it might do to me?
To have to rely on someone else besides myself, is hard too accept.
I want someone to love me, I need someone too.
I’m tired of being single, tired of being a sex object.
I want someone to have feelings for me.
I’m tired of everything, being useless and so ordinary.
When will my time come when I can be happy?
I’m tired of being over looked, I want attention.
I want change.
I want you to notice.
Nothing has ever worked out for me.
I always fuck things up.
Isn’t there something out there that I can’t?
For just once isn’t there a way.
That SOMETHING in my life can go right?
I want simplicity in a world no where close to it.

I want to know- Oct 10 2008

I want to let all the anger and fury out, i want to feel something other than anger.
I want to feel honest to god happy for once. Not the kind that makes you feel good for a week because something good happened. But the kind that strikes you longer than momentarily the kind that makes you smile when you go to sleep and smile when you wake up. And you get to feel that happiness all the time, that's what i want. I haven't got a clue what makes me so anger. But I know three things. I'm anger at myself, I'm angry at my friends, and I'm angry for what i do have and for what i don't. I'm angry for what i have become. I'm angry for the choices my friends make. I want to know what causes me to feel this way. I want to know what's wrong with me, I want to know how i can fix it. I feel like it's me against the world. I want to control my anger and fury. I want to let it out. I want to be honest to god happy.


Change- Sept 29 2008Change has never been something I easily grasped or accepted. change is the one thing I fear the most and change is the one thing I have to face more than any other fear I have. Change is all around me, I'm unable to escape what surrounds me. I'll have to take a deep hard long inside myself and look at what I've become. Along the way I lost myself. I lost what was most important to me. I'm looking for something insignificant to change me, shape me, mold me and teach me to be a better person who can love herself and others and accept her faults along with others. I've started to become all the people that I admire the most, there's nothing wrong with that, it's just I've lost myself and forgot who I am. I have to learn that I can't change what my peers do, but only what I do. I want to stop remembering the past and all the bad that has happened, I want to only let the good shine through. I want to overcome my fear of change, because change is happening all around us. I've changed and so have my morals and beliefs. I won't avoid change anymore, because change will become something that I will grasp and accept with ease


My dog is challenged- May 2 2008

Uhh.. I have tayy over as part of our regualr routine starting as of today; that she comes over every friday after school.

Anyway, my mom is about to drive us to Walmart to go and get some supplies for the party.
And my dog jumps in the car, i'm chill and he sits on my lap like usually
 UNTIL HE STARTS TAKING A WIZ 

 ON MY LAP

I stand up run into the house screaming " he pissed all over me!" Tayy meanwhile is the backseat pissing herself laughing. & I was judged like no other, I'm sure Leaving the question: is my dog challenged, and thought i was the grass?

Well nothing has changed with my dog within the last 3 years, he still eats shit and is generally an annoying thing. But looking back on these blog posts I am definitely happier now then I was back then. I have learnt to grasp change I still don't like it but I accept it with ease. The fury and anger is gone and I've found the one guy who makes me feel special like being me is good enough. I am finally honest to god happy.